F-F-F-Foolin myself

ok, so...dusting off the link to the blog, surprised I even remembered my login & password for this thing.  I really has been a long time since I've written. Anything.

Visiting a local church's Wednesday evening service, I was moved to a place that was as unfamiliar, as it was familiar & shameful. The speaker\teacher was talking about the Spiritual gifts. I've probably heard this talked about at least a dozen times before. This was different. Not so much in what was said, or how it was said, but for what it did in me.

For a few years now, in fact, ever since the stuff I've previously written about had died away, I've been telling people - the ones who've asked "what happened?" - that through it all, my faith had not suffered, that it was still intact. Even though I still am so very skeptical of any Pastor, Preacher, church or anything connected to a church, I always told myself and told others "my faith is still strong, even stronger than it ever has been". Wow. I now know that I was hiding my dying faith behind the facade of "my eyes have been opened to so much truth". Oh the irony. (my wife & I pray every morning before leaving for work. Part of that prayer every day is petitioning god to increase our faith!)

"Dave" talked about the Spiritual gifts in the usual way, and even used a graph in an effort to teach the people there how to match their passions with the gifts they have, to achieve what God has in store, or what He has planned for their lives - to reach their full potential of God's plan for their lives. I searched on my iphone for scriptures involving Spiritual Gifts. 1 Corinthians 12:7-11 says:

⁷ But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to every man to profit withal.

⁸ For to one is given by the Spirit the word of wisdom; to another the word of knowledge by the same Spirit;

⁹ To another faith by the same Spirit; to another the gifts of healing by the same Spirit;

¹⁰ To another the working of miracles; to another prophecy; to another discerning of spirits; to another divers kinds of tongues; to another the interpretation of tongues:

¹¹ But all these worketh that one and the selfsame Spirit, dividing to every man severally as he will.

I sat there asking God, do You still heal or was that just for the "scripture days"? I know scripture tells us that God is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. So why would I even ask? The only "prophecies" I've heard have been the result of someone's personal, financial agenda. Do You still give that gift? Do you still give wisdom to those who ask? How about tongues? Interpretations? I wasn't just rolling these things around in my mind. I was really questioning.

With these questions came the realization that I've been fooling myself. My faith is actually all but decimated. Maybe there's a sliver left, but that's about it. This was a realization for which I was not prepared. Thanks a lot Dave! No really Thanks! Dave's words brought me to a place I haven't been in several years. Maybe they weren't his words at all? (one day I'l share this with him)

Guilt. Remorse. Shame. Repentance for my lack of faith followed. I felt beat up but in a good way. Stirred up, feeling of spiritual immaturity that had left me a long time ago. Hopeless and hopeful at the same time. How did I get here? I knew the wounds were deep, but come on, I'm tougher than that. I wonder if this will ever heal. For now, all I know is He loves me. Beyond that...the skepticism remains.